Bri (operantbehavior) wrote,

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I'm pretty sure eating peanut butter cookies defeats the purpose of working out.

Back to school. I'm dreading this week for no real reason. I'm just ready for summer, I guess? I've been missing long, lazy days and late, happy nights being nerdy and wasting time. I mean, who doesn't miss those days, but I've been pining for it recently.

I think I'll feel better when spring break gets here. I'm spending the whole thing in SLC with mi madre, so, yeah. We might look at dogs that week! That always cheers me up.

She and I have been getting on worlds better recently. Reading through my old LJ has made me as grateful for the changes in my life as it has melancholy for the losses. She and I were so, so constantly at odds. I'm starting to forget what it's like to live with that kind of hatred and silence. Everything before Weber has faded to a sort of quasi-memory, the kind of fuzzy around the edges notion of horror you get from a half-remembered nightmare. I can't get over how good things are now.

But I guess it's good to remember. I can't walk around thinking the person I used to be is a stranger or never existed. My notion of myself before this place is as a fictional construct - I know on an academic level what happened, but it doesn't seem real. Not that it was all bad. To the contrary, really. I had a lot of joy then that I dearly miss now. I was so in love with so many people. I can't say that anymore.

Not that I love you any less, my darlings. <3

I'm breaking it off with Nate this week. It's not working out. I feel fine, but I'm a little.. I dunno. I guess I'm a little bit twisted up over the guilt. I know it's pussy and there's nothing wrong with ending a relationship before anyone gets hurt, it's nothing serious, but I hate doing this. I always come away feeling like the bad guy.

I feel a tiny, tiny bit more like who I used to be today. Not in a bad class-failing way or anything, just. You know. Sensitive. A little more open. I used to be so -open-. What happened? I've kept so much memorabilia from those days packed away in boxes and closets, and now I'm glad I didn't throw any of it away. It tethers me a little, I think, and reminds me of what was good about myself and the people I loved. I don't think a person can really feel whole without coming to terms with who they once were, you know?
Tags: dogs, friends, mom, nate, nostalgia, school
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