correlation is NOT causation

Writer's Block: I Can Relate

What fictional character do you most identify with?

I never use this thing anymore. I don't know why.

You know Dr. Reid from Criminal Minds? Him. I just got into the series, but his character makes me shudder with recognition. Now, granted, I'm not a super genius. I'm lucky to count myself on the clever side of average in most things, and even the areas I excel in are garden variety. I'm not a ~*~special snowflake~*~, but he and I share worst fears and worst memories.

It's weird to see a character fear his own mind the way I do. It's hard, almost, to see a man run from the same atrocities I curl up with every night. I'm only a few episodes in, but it's like looking in the worst kind of mirror. The guilt of letting his mother fall apart eats at him, guides his every action, and he tries to bury himself in fiction to compensate. He shields himself from himself with the great deeds of others, and I know what that's like. I can't decide if it's shameful or not. Dr. Reid is afraid of becoming everything he's supported all his life, and so am I.

He makes it look good, though. I make it look short and round and kind of awkward.

In other news, I'm declaring bankruptcy for mom. Technically she's declaring, but I'm doing all the legwork. Our attorney is pretty nice, though, and she's trying to make it as easy as possible on me. Evidently she is the single mother of four adopted Asian babies. At least we know she's not soulless.

All that aside, I think it's gonna be okay. I think this is for the best, and I think I made the right decision. Second-guessing myself is the hard part, but I need to learn to trust my instincts. I can handle it.

I might get the Uncertainty Principle tattooed on my back. Go figure.


Passamaquaddy (3:47:26 PM): But.
Passamaquaddy (3:47:28 PM): You realize.
Passamaquaddy (3:47:37 PM): Kim. We are crossing a line that cannot be uncrossed.
Passamaquaddy (3:47:51 PM): Once we read Twific, we are officially part of the fandom.
kimwantssleep (3:47:53 PM): ... that is true.
kimwantssleep (3:48:02 PM): You can be a part of the fandom and hate it.
kimwantssleep (3:48:03 PM): Like...
kimwantssleep (3:48:06 PM): a cocaine addict.
Passamaquaddy (3:48:28 PM): That is not a comforting analogy.

Hufflepuff // Jedi and Jesus

(no subject)

Sometimes I still think there's something beautiful in fandom. I know, I know, laugh if you like, but you have to admit, we live in frightening times. The past two weeks have been tremendously difficult for me, probably the worst I've had since I came here. Between mom's problems, the medication, the overdose, the hospitals, the bill collectors and my slipping grades, dumping Nate was barely a blip on the radar. It's been hard.

I've come to realize that anything that can offer you a reprieve, anything at all, is something to be cherished. The option to slip into a better world when I need to is a blessing. It keeps me together when things get really awful, even if it's just something small enough to drag a smile out of me. It makes it easier to get up in the morning and deal with life falling down around me. Sometimes I think we're a fortunate generation for the sheer versatility of our imaginings. Thank god for the internet.

Mom got out today. :] Thank god thank god thank god. I was so scared. We haven't dealt with this since I first came to school. I almost didn't know how to cope, it's been that long. Sometimes I dearly miss being around people that understand my situation, though god knows my friends here try. I can't expect them to know what to say, but it makes me all the more appreciative for the people that do. (Thank you for letting me lean on you, guys. I love you all more than you'll ever know.)

Dunno if I'll be perfect this semester, but that's okay. That's okay. I don't have to be perfect. Just adequate. Right? Yeah. I'm okay with that.

Where the hell did I put those interview questions of Bri's? You think I forgot, BUT I HAVEN'T. I will answer them and you'll be like WHOA, SHE ANSWERED THEM. Yeah.
North and South // I love you

(no subject)

I'm pretty sure eating peanut butter cookies defeats the purpose of working out.

Back to school. I'm dreading this week for no real reason. I'm just ready for summer, I guess? I've been missing long, lazy days and late, happy nights being nerdy and wasting time. I mean, who doesn't miss those days, but I've been pining for it recently.

I think I'll feel better when spring break gets here. I'm spending the whole thing in SLC with mi madre, so, yeah. We might look at dogs that week! That always cheers me up.

She and I have been getting on worlds better recently. Reading through my old LJ has made me as grateful for the changes in my life as it has melancholy for the losses. She and I were so, so constantly at odds. I'm starting to forget what it's like to live with that kind of hatred and silence. Everything before Weber has faded to a sort of quasi-memory, the kind of fuzzy around the edges notion of horror you get from a half-remembered nightmare. I can't get over how good things are now.

But I guess it's good to remember. I can't walk around thinking the person I used to be is a stranger or never existed. My notion of myself before this place is as a fictional construct - I know on an academic level what happened, but it doesn't seem real. Not that it was all bad. To the contrary, really. I had a lot of joy then that I dearly miss now. I was so in love with so many people. I can't say that anymore.

Not that I love you any less, my darlings. <3

I'm breaking it off with Nate this week. It's not working out. I feel fine, but I'm a little.. I dunno. I guess I'm a little bit twisted up over the guilt. I know it's pussy and there's nothing wrong with ending a relationship before anyone gets hurt, it's nothing serious, but I hate doing this. I always come away feeling like the bad guy.

I feel a tiny, tiny bit more like who I used to be today. Not in a bad class-failing way or anything, just. You know. Sensitive. A little more open. I used to be so -open-. What happened? I've kept so much memorabilia from those days packed away in boxes and closets, and now I'm glad I didn't throw any of it away. It tethers me a little, I think, and reminds me of what was good about myself and the people I loved. I don't think a person can really feel whole without coming to terms with who they once were, you know?
North and South // Margaret: Smiles

Sweet Theresa! Rice can accessorize!

I've been reading through my old LJ posts (from the first journal, the one from 2003) and listening to the music I loved when I was sixteen. It's.. a trip. I almost miss those days a little. I miss the extent of my imagination and how shamelessly self-serving we were. I miss my friends and obsessions. They weren't all bad, I guess.
The Office // Pam: B[

(no subject)

"Scenic byways are being used to stop economic growth. D:<"

What the hell, Utah legislators?

First of all, nothing, and I mean nothing is scenic about Legacy Highway. I drive up that fucking thing once a week and it's hideous. I'm not particularly thrilled about it being turned into Bangerter, but a few billboards will make next to no difference, let's be honest here. Since when are twenty mile stretches of  Stepford condos a tourist trap?

Edit: Nevermind. I did fine.